I had a weepy day today.
I’m not a cry-er, so my tears are unusual, though I do confess to being much more emotional since Chuck died.
I know why I was crying. I’m settling on our Canadian cottage this week, selling what was Chuck’s favorite place on earth. I was struck with the strongest yearnings for things to go back to the way they were when we could spend time there either with our family or by ourselves. I want those summers back.
I want to watch Chuck putter as I read or write. I want to see him sit in his ugly recliner playing Spider Solitaire or taking a nap. I want to sit on the dock with him and enjoy the quiet. I want to help him put in a new floor. I want to help him get the water system up and running after a frigid Canadian winter.
I want to go with him to our favorite place to eat and enjoy the wonderful Polish food they serve. I want to sit beside him at the chapel on the lake and listen to the Word of God taught by men who have become our friends over the years. (The fun of going to the chapel was that the speaker was always a surprise. It depended on who was on vacation that week.)
I cried today because I can’t have any of these “I wants”. All I can have is what is, and I have to admit what is isn’t all that bad.
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
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