Widow’s Journey: Weepy

I had a weepy day today.

I’m not a cry-er, so my tears are unusual, though I do confess to being much more emotional since Chuck died.

I know why I was crying. I’m settling on our Canadian cottage this week, selling what was Chuck’s favorite place on earth. I was struck with the strongest yearnings for things to go back to the way they were when we could spend time there either with our family or by ourselves. I want those summers back.

I want to watch Chuck putter as I read or write. I want to see him sit in his ugly recliner playing Spider Solitaire or taking a nap. I want to sit on the dock with him and enjoy the quiet. I want to help him put in a new floor. I want to help him get the water system up and running after a frigid Canadian winter.

I want to go with him to our favorite place to eat and enjoy the wonderful Polish food they serve. I want to sit beside him at the chapel on the lake and listen to the Word of God taught by men who have become our friends over the years. (The fun of going to the chapel was that the speaker was always a surprise. It depended on who was on vacation that week.)

I cried today because I can’t have any of these “I wants”. All I can have is what is, and I have to admit what is isn’t all that bad.

Still….

 

 

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,

you will restore my life again;

from the depths of the earth

you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor

and comfort me once again.

Psalm 71:20,21

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;

he heard my cry for mercy.

Because he turned his ear to me,

I will call on him as long as I live.

Psalm 116:1

 


Continue the Journey


 

Share This



4 Comments

  • Hello Gayle!
    I so know the feelings of what you are describing here. I too have those “wants” that I know will never be again. Some days I do fine then others something will just set me off.
    Yesterday I met a friend at the mall for lunch. I sat there in the food court watching the crowd go by. Soon a I saw this lovely older couple stroll by hand in hand I found my eyes tearing up. Oh for that walk with my beloved once again.
    Each day I try to remember to count my blessings. Learning to live as I am is an interesting path. Oh I do get lonesome at times. I just so miss not having someone to simply “be there”. But I know that my dh is in a far better place. No longer confused or lost in his ever deteriorating mind. But oh Gayle. I miss him so!!!
    At this moment the sun is gloriously shinning. The birds are singing and my wind chimes are singing making lovely music.The sky is blue. It is a perfect day.
    I hope today is a better day for you.
    I am headed out to the yard for some very necessary “dirt therapy”. Hugs..Barbara

    Barbara J.

    April 28, 2014 | Reply

    • Barbara, hope the dirt therapy worked. When I see older couples, I have to remind myself to be glad for them so the green demon doesn’t move in. I truly wouldn’t want any different for them. It’s also all about remembering that God is good-all the time, even on the weepy days.

      Gayle Roper

      Gayle Roper

      May 5, 2014 |

  • Thanks, Gayle. Spot on for me as it would have been our wedding anniversary today. I would have liked to share a special dinner with him after work and watch our wedding video with champagne. Nice to know I am not alone in my desire to return to what was. Peace!

    Meg

    April 29, 2014 | Reply

    • Meg, those anniversaries are so hard! I hope you survived with a minimum of sadness.

      Gayle Roper

      Gayle Roper

      May 5, 2014 |

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *